The holiday season is upon us and you know what that means… family gatherings.
Holidays can be a mixed bag of wanting to spend time with family and in-laws but also dreading the family dynamics and challenging personalities.
While you may not be able to avoid being around your boisterous brother-in-law, your sister who tries to pry information about your love life out of you, or your judgmental mother who chronically gives unsolicited advice, there are ways you can make family holiday gatherings survivable and even enjoyable by setting a few boundaries.
1. Set an end point
Plan your departure time if you are a guest or set an end time if you are hosting. If leaving or ending isn’t an option, as in the case of staying overnight, don’t be afraid to let people know you’re tired and need some time to yourself. You might even consider getting a hotel room instead of staying in the family home if you are not the host.
2. Leave or redirect sensitive conversations
If a conversation crosses a boundary, address it directly. “My love life is very private to me. Let’s talk about ________ instead.” Or, “I’d rather not talk about that.”
3. Put the brakes on unsolicited advice
If you are anything like me, as soon as someone says, “You should…”, “Why don’t you just…”, or “You need to…”, my boundary siren starts blaring. You might consider some variation of the following to put a stop to the uninvited input: “I imagine you mean well, Mom, but I’m actually not open to advice about this topic. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know.”
4. Keep your expectations in check
Previous experience is usually a good indicator of how things will go this holiday season. If you are expecting things to be different when no one has changed the boundary and communication dynamics, you’ll probably be disappointed. What’s within your power, though, is how you respond and take care of yourself.
5. Decline to attend
So often we gather for family holiday functions out of routine, tradition, obligation, or to avoid being alone, rather than out of genuine desire and love of being together. But hey, there’s no rule that says you have to go or you have to host. Maybe it’s time to change things up and enjoy a quiet evening with a good book or movie.
While you can’t control how family holiday gatherings go, you can bolster your ability to deal with those unpleasant moments when your boundaries are tested. Many of my clients have found that preparing ahead of time with a few rehearsed responses for anticipated situations gives them a big confidence boost, even if they don’t end up using them. It never hurts to have them in your back pocket.
Journal Prompt
When have you been the one asking nosey questions? How often do you notice yourself giving unsolicited advice?
Peace and harmony,
Dinah