Let’s talk about unwanted hugs, shall we? You know, the creepy kind, the obligatory kind, and the “I barely know you but you want to hug me?” kind? Girlfriend, you know what I’m talking about.
Let me say this up front. You don’t owe anyone a hug, not even at the holidays.
As little girls, we are often taught to “Go give (aunt, uncle, grandpa, grandma) a hug”, which can set us up for confusing physical boundaries. Thank goodness Girl Scouts wrote an important statement on this exact topic. No one owes anyone a hug, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen them, what they have given you, or what they’ve done seemingly nice for you.
Literally every woman I know has experienced the awkward, unwanted hug many times in her life. Some easily brush them off. Some go along with it and just deal. And some have had enough and are desperate for a way to gracefully say no.
Whatever the case is for you, a good rule of thumb is that hugs are supposed to be mutually desirable, feel good, and be a natural expression of genuine connection and caring. But oftentimes social norms are so powerful that you go into hug compliance mode and before you know it, you’re left with that icky feeling you want to go shower off.
Common reasons women go along with unwanted hugs:
• Pretense of friendship or closeness (You want to keep up appearances.)
• Compliance with family or social norms.
• You don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. (It’s amazing how much women disown their own feelings to make someone else feel ok about themselves!)
• You don’t want to be dubbed Ice Queen.
• You don’t want to appear rude. (‘Cuz then people will think you are a bitch, right?)
Maybe your reasons for not wanting to hug are purely practical – like you don’t want to be saturated with their odor or scent, you are nursing an injury, or you are practicing social distancing since the pandemic. Other times, your reason might be more subtle – like you are picking up a weird vibe.
And then there are huggers you secretly wish to avoid because you know from experience that their hugs last awkwardly long, squish too close, or their hands land lower than appropriate for anyone other than your intimate partner. Let’s face it, (name), some people just try to get away with stuff and pretend that it’s all innocent and unintentional (We’ve all heard of celebrities and politicians who fain innocence).
I’m sure there are people you feel comfortable hugging and others you don’t, and it can be awkward in social or family situations to hug some and not others. If you don’t feel good about hugging someone or others’ hugs don’t make you feel good, you don’t have to hug them. Period. No explanation needed. No apology. No reason. Just “No hugs today”, regardless of whether you’ve hugged others in the group or not.
If friends or family pull you aside and ask why you don’t want to hug Uncle Joe, try a dose of truth but only if giving a reason is a choice you willingly make. “He makes it kinda weird/forced and I don’t like that.” Or if you want to steer clear of that much transparency, simply say, “I told him I’d hug when and if I feel like it.” You don’t owe other people an explanation.
One upside of the pandemic is that more people are asking if they can give you a hug. If someone asks to give or receive a hug, PAUSE, before you answer and honor how you are feeling in the moment.
“I’m glad you asked. I’m good with a smile and wave.” Or, “I’m more of a waver/handshaker/high fiver/fist bumper/elbow greeter than a hugger.”
If someone is moving toward you with arms outstretched in anticipation of a hug, you might extend your hand for a shake, take a step back and put out your elbow for a bump, or be direct and say something like, “Hey, I’m doing waves today.”
Please don’t let concern for coming across as rude force you into complying with someone who has consistently not honored your no hugging boundary, even if you hug others in the group or family. Repeat offenders and the pushy people who use social norms to get away with copping a feel, getting their touch needs met, or forcing connection, sadly, know no boundaries. You have every right to embrace your serious voice and clearly state your boundary.
These are just a few examples of how you could deal with hugs. I’ll bet you can come up with a few more. Reply to this email and let me know how you handle the awkward hug moments.
I’m grateful for your readership and consuming my boundary content. If you celebrate Thanksgiving, I wish you a bounty of good food, sweet love, and healthy boundaries!
Peace & Harmony,
Dinah